Secrets, 3-25-10

3-23-10

Secrets, 3-22-10

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Sometimes I wonder if I'll make it through the day.

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When I was younger, I was beat by my older sister. She's in college now, but she still threatens to do it again.. its been years... My friends got worried, but I blamed it on clumziness... sometimes it got too noticable though... like a bruise under my eye..

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When he hit me, it was my fault. If I just let him do it, he'd love me. When he used me for sex, it was my fault. If I kept sleeping with him, he'd eventually love me. When I got pregnant, it was my fault. Maybe that would make him love me. When I miscarried, it was his fault. I always knew he didn't really love me, I just liked to pretend. I hated lying to everyone, I hated hiding the brusies, I had someone who loved me, yet I couldn't wait [I'm such a stupid bitch] and so I gave myself over to the beast... He ruined my life. No. I ruined my life.

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About a month ago, I fliped a coin. Tails was antidepressants, heads was suicide by benadryl overdose.
I am still here.

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I am still in love with my ex boy-friend. But I have a child with my current boy-friend. And I am in love with my bestfriend, who is a girl.

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Everybody tells me that I'm smart, and beautiful, and confident and have the world at the palm of my hand. Nobody realizes that I have nothing but doubt in myself, and that no matter what they say, I truly believe I won't ever live up to my 'potential.'

Secrets, 3-21-10

E-mail:

I feel guilty about everything, especially wanting to die.

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I've never been able to forget the way you made me feel, the way you smiled, or the way I knew I was safe when you were around. You were the only person who has seen me cry, and that I trusted without a doubt. You were my stronghold, and my everything. Even though we messed everything up, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't change the pain, or the heartbreak, because without that we wouldn't have ended up where we did. Its still hard for me to drive down Evan's road, and not think about you or what happened there. I'm sorry things ended up the way they did, but , as always, I think it happened for a reason. You hated when I thought like that, but I still did. The rest of high school is going to be rough without you, but I guess I have to do it. Wish there was a better alternative, because after all you're my wonderwall .

P.S. I still love you Evan .

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Secrets, 3-17-10